Communication is a tricky thing. I’ve noticed that as articulate as I am, I’m often misunderstood and it’s usually my fault. When I speak, I use self-created colloquialisms so that doesn’t help with clarity. I should have introduction cards to all those who pass by: Hi, my name is Jacqui and I have OCD and a made up language- just kidding. I think for most of us, it’s hard to communicate your feelings when you are emotionally invoked. Yet, what I failed to notice before and only see now is that it’s even harder to hear what’s being communicated when distraught. What does this ridicul
What does it mean to be o.k.? I’ve been wondering this a lot lately. "How are you" being the most common greeting, there's no way to avoid wondering, especially since I'd burst into tears when asked this automated greeting over the last two months. While undergoing difficult times, this salutation feels like fingernails on a chalk board and this is not exclusive to grief.
The grief process didn’t start with my mom’s death. It actually started two and a half years ago when she was first diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer. I remember my therapist pointing this out, but at first, I rejected the possibility. To me, admitting that I was grieving seemed liked I was giving permission to the terminal in my mom’s diagnosis. Instead, I kept my focus on being emotionally and spiritually healthy so that we would be worthy of a miracle and for awhile, it appeared to be working.
I’ve made a commitment to share my fears in hopes that there is some thin veil of a lesson. How easy it is when I share from retrospect. It’s censored. It’s safe. However, I’m not a fan of safe. How can I grow if I stay with what is comforting rather than what challenges me? Oh, yah, I can’t. So, here I am sharing my thoughts and experiences as I face my greatest fear, the death of my mother, my best friend and most certainly, a soulmate.
“The deeper that sorrow carves in your being, the more joy you can contain.” - Kahlil Gibran
Have you ever felt run over by a Mac Truck? Emotionally, I mean. For me, that’s how the month of June has felt like, being continuously hit by a semi. Most embarrassing part is that I used to toss around the word “intense” in conversations yet only now, do I know what that means. Maybe, it’s a redefinition and that’s part of dealing with life, but this seems irrelevant.