“The deeper that sorrow carves in your being, the more joy you can contain.” - Kahlil Gibran
Have you ever felt run over by a Mac Truck? Emotionally, I mean. For me, that’s how the month of June has felt like, being continuously hit by a semi. Most embarrassing part is that I used to toss around the word “intense” in conversations yet only now, do I know what that means. Maybe, it’s a redefinition and that’s part of dealing with life, but this seems irrelevant.
What could possibly shake me up so and cause me to completely revamp my emotional gamut? My greatest fear, my mother’s steep decline and death is the reason and rightfully so. For the last 35 days, I feel like I’ve been kicking my way to the surface; despair threatening to swallow me whole. I mean, I haven’t always triumphed, but then again, I don’t think it works that way.
During this time, I have had no words or at least, none that were healthy. I feel a certain responsibility in my writing, my example and with that, my struggles. I don’t want to vomit negativity all over these pages because I have yet to find clarity. Sorrow and pain are not always self-created and because of that, it’s not so easy to make sense out of it. In turn, I’ve done the only thing that I could do; I’ve made a choice; I’ve chosen to fight the fear.
I wish that I could write how graceful and dignified I was throughout the last month, but I can’t. There’s nothing dignified about anger or nasal drip from continuously crying. Bad news after bad news, I have felt bombarded, handling every emotion as it comes; each time, pealing myself off the ground, dusting myself off for the next onslaught.
I used my coping skills like meditation. I’d feel refresh. Sometimes for hours but most of the time, not twenty minutes later, the fear would resurface. Ugh…Needless to say, I was in constant prayer and meditation.
There has been a single light, though, which I’ve managed to keep burning. Each morning, I’ve renewed my choice to fight. Here are my words, the promise that I make to myself…
“Dear Fear,
In case you are wondering, this is me, sticking my middle finger up at you. I defy your debilitating effects! You will take me out, no doubt, but you will not break me. Please know that in time, I will transmute you into an incredible personality trait. More than mere strength, I will make you into an infectious light, a compassion that will nourish this world as only compassion can. Maybe not today nor tomorrow, however, in the eyes of an adult, days stream into years with little effort. Be forewarned, your time will end as all seasons do and then, my season will begin; the season of change.”
