‘Tis the season of gratitude; well, that’s what they say, anyway. As I’m doubled over in grief, this is such a difficult concept to wrap my mind around. In truth, I want to crawl into a hole and lick my wounds until they heal, skipping the holidays altogether, but this isn’t how wounds heal. This is how they fester.
I’ve made a commitment to share my experiences in this world from the heightened senselessness of my OCD and now, I’m bowing out. So, this is me, rolling my eyes at my pity pot, and renewing my promise not only to you, the readers but for goodness sakes, to life! Honesty is raw and emanates with real time pain, not from the glossy hue of retrospect. Right now, I may not be my best self, refined and perfectly articulate. Yet, the greatest lessons in life are not always learned on the smooth, paved paths in life, but rather are discovered along the rocky, gritty, dirt trails, which all of us, at one time or another, must stumble through with perseverance.
For me, the holidays were a time that I shared with my mother. As early as October, we’d begin to share our possible Christmas themes for our trees and décor. We’d map out our presents and best deals for our family and friends, splitting the work as well as the costs. I’d wait for hours in line at the Coach outlet in order to buy my mom the most beautiful piece that the I could afford, having saved my bonus just so that I could get her something that she would never buy for herself. Whenever, she’d unwrap the present I got for her, my mom would hug it close; tears of appreciation would trickle down her cheeks; my heart would glow; nothing more needed to be said.
When my sister brought me the last gift I gave my mother from 2013 Christmas, my heart sank into my chest and the welling pain made it hard for me to breathe. I guess that I could have cursed the pain and wished it away, but that seems silly because really, it’s a reminder of how fortunate I am to have had such a close, personal and loving relationship with my mother, my best friend and my soul mate. It may hurt now and possibly for the rest of my life, but that’s because it was so amazing for so long that it’s a part of who I am and I miss it!
So, here I am, having been M.I.A. for the last few weeks, grappling with words and thoughts as I feel the emotional onslaught of my loss. I went so far as to spend Thanksgiving in Hawaii, thinking that the tropics would ease the sting of the “official” opening of this holiday season and it did alleviate the pain, somewhat; however, you can never outrun sorrow completely and that’s o.k..
It was almost a year ago, when I revealed my website plans to my mother. Being my best friend as well as a Psychologist, I bounced all my ideas off of her. She thought it was such a wonderful idea and much needed because even those who do not have OCD or an anxiety disorder, still experience the angst of apprehension and/or worries. I was beyond excited to create a space where I didn’t have to hide my crazy. I could own it and even celebrate it because at least, I’m honest. I always thought of normalcy as a hypothesis that could never be proven, just a suppression of our passions and fears.
What I didn’t realize at the time and only concluded while sunning myself in Maui is that it is you, the readers, who nurture me and this piece of cyberspace. Every time, I receive a comment, email, suggestions, I feel a comfort that I never even had the foresight of knowing could exist. Wow! What do you say to something so real in a world of pretenses? Thank you, I guess is a good start!
When the world seems to be at its darkest, I’ve crawled out of my hole because of you. A writer considers themselves lucky to have but one source of inspiration and yet, I have so many with my beautiful readers. Please know that I’ve read everything sent to me and apologize for not being able to respond as I would like. Unfortunately, time works against me as I have a full time career, community service, family, friends, my novel as well as writing blogs, so as you can see, a rather busy schedule.
Now, that I have made my excuses, please know how much I appreciate you this holiday season. So much so, that I am aligning my agenda with your agenda. Here are a few suggestions from you folks: exercise- the counterbalance to depression, Discernment: How to tell when friendships turn unhealthy, Anger management, and Body Image: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. All of these topics are on my wish list to tackle within the next months…Please, continue to send your thoughts and suggestions! Love and light to you all…
“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” -C.S. Lewis