For a long time, I thought that I was crazy. Although an unsubstantiated diagnosis, my emotions seemed volatile so at the very least, this made me the craziest of the sane. I tried everything to turn the crazy off, but nothing seemed to help: medications (prescription and herbal), self-help books, tapes and etc. You name it, I tried it.
After years of feeling like I was every shade of wrong, I simply decided to accept that I have a little bit of crazy in me and chose to learn more about my disorder, Obsessive Compulsive. It turned out that OCD was merely one of many anxiety disorders and that almost 20% of Americans have one form of anxiety or another. Wow, I wasn’t alone. There’s great comfort in that.
To a greater extent, as I began to share my experiences, most people related. Almost everyone had experienced fear at one time or another and OCD was exactly that, a fear based disorder. Turned out that there was a little crazy in everyone and all of us were trying to hide it. There’s great comfort in that as well.
Truth be told, when I started on this quest for self-betterment, I didn’t know if it was possible to accept my craziness. Riddled with doubt, I simply hoped with all my heart that it was possible and eventually, it became so. Phew, because it took a lot of personal work to get here. I’d hate for all that energy to be wasted. I’d be the first to admit that none of this self-actualization was easy, but I can confirm, unequivocally that it’s absolutely possible.
That’s why I am here, to create awareness for anxiety disorders, and fear in general. In sharing my fears, my thoughts, and my experiences, I hope to bring comfort to others. It’s a relief to know that you are not alone; that there are others who have a vague understanding of where you’re coming from. Relating to one another opens the door to healing.
Before I continue, I think it’s important to understand what OCD actually is.
According to Psychology today:
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions).Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts, but this only provides temporary relief. Not performing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety.
The definition of Obsessive Compulsive is nice and all, but from my point of view, it feels less technical and more personal. So, I’ve created my own definition. For me, a thought, which may not even affect me personally, gets stuck in my head. This intrusive thought will spin in my mind, gathering force like a tornado. The momentum becomes so great, it turns into an emotional tsunami, sweeping over me, consuming my sane self, and leaving a path of emotional debris in its wake.
Let’s get one important thing out of the way; do you have to be OCD to relate to this blog? No, not at all. In my experience, most people have irrational or fear-based thoughts, but most people are able to shake them off pretty quickly. For an OCD, it’s the fact that we can’t shake it off, which hallmarks the disorder. With that said, the topics, themselves, will be relatable. Plus, anxiety is a fact of life for anyone with emotions. Period! End of story!
When I say that “I’m over it,” I’m referring to my fear based thoughts, my anxiety and most importantly, my own bullshit. It’s easy for me to become stuck in the muck and mire of my own melodrama and I don’t know if I do this because I’m OCD or if it’s just a human thing that we all face. What I do know is that I don’t want OCD to be an excuse any longer. It cripples me, emotionally. This blog asks for my accountability in all things and if I can find accountability with an organic dysfunction, then I believe it’s possible for most people.
It is my hope that this blog will create a bridge between OCD and the rest of humankind. Even greater than that, I hope this blog builds an understanding that there are more similarities between each one of us than differences. If we take a moment, we can find more ways to relate rather than to differentiate. Relating with one another allows us to create a true sense of community, something more intimate than proximity.
If I had a superpower….
If I had a superpower, it would be the ability to lift the heavy weight of loneliness so that a person has a moment in the light. That’s what I hope my writing does for readers. I want people to know that they are not alone; I want to show that there is light even in the bleakest of shadows and not because I have some Polyanna, rose colored glasses approach but because I know what it’s like to be swallowed by the darkness and have had to find my way out.
The most important takeaway point is that whether you agree with me or not, you are important; everyone and their idiosyncrasies are important. I mean, a rainbow wouldn’t be as beautiful if it was only one color; the array of colors turns pretty into breathtaking. That’s how society should be, less monochromatic and more bursting with colors! So, here I am, owning my crazy and making a safe place for others to do the same...
